Tag: Coaching

Four Seconds That Changed a Leader


More than a decade after my coaching certification, certain ideas still return to me with surprising clarity. One of them is deceptively simple:

The difference between reacting and responding.

Most leaders intellectually understand this distinction. Few recognise how profoundly it shapes their daily impact.

I was reminded of this during a coaching conversation with a senior executive — let me call him Raghav. Raghav was known for his brilliance and intensity. Quick thinker. Decisive. Deeply committed. But his team described him using another word, offered cautiously and repeatedly: “Intimidating.”

When he came into coaching, his concern was framed differently. “My team has become strangely silent,” he told me. “Meetings lack energy. No one challenges anything. It’s frustrating.”

Frustration, I have learned, is often an interesting doorway.

“What usually happens when someone disagrees with you?” I asked. He looked puzzled. “Nothing unusual. We discuss.”

But leaders rarely observe their own behavioural patterns with accuracy. Our reactions are invisible to us precisely because they are so familiar. So, I asked him to walk me through a recent meeting.

He described a discussion where a junior manager questioned a proposal. As he narrated the incident, something subtle appeared — not in his words, but in his tone. “I explained why the idea wouldn’t work,” he said.

Then after a pause: “Perhaps a bit sharply.” “What do you think the manager experienced in that moment?” I asked. He shrugged. “Direct feedback.” “And if we asked them?” Silence.

The human mind is wonderfully efficient at justifying its own reactions.

**

In coaching, reactions are rarely the real story. Triggers are.

“What specifically triggered your response?” I asked. “The suggestion didn’t make sense.” “Was it the quality of the idea,” I continued, “or the fact that it challenged yours?”

That question lingered longer. Eventually he smiled — the kind that signals reluctant insight. “I don’t like being questioned in areas I know well.”

There it was. A deeply human pattern. Trigger → irritation → sharp dismissal.

Repeated often enough, reactions harden into leadership style. Unexamined long enough, they reshape culture.

We explored a small experiment. “Next time you feel that familiar irritation,” I said, “don’t change your opinion. Don’t soften your standards. Simply pause.”

“Pause?”

“Four seconds,” I suggested. “One breath. No words.” He laughed. “That sounds trivial.” “It is trivial,” I agreed. “And extremely difficult.”

Because reactions are automated. Responses are chosen.

**

Several weeks later, Raghav returned with an observation that genuinely surprised him. “The meetings feel different,” he said.

“What changed?”

“I haven’t changed my decisions,” he clarified. “But I’ve started noticing the moment before I speak.”

“And?”

“The irritation is still there,” he admitted. “But the pause stops me from firing.” That single gap — barely a few seconds — had altered the emotional climate of his interactions.

People spoke more. Defensiveness reduced. Energy returned. Nothing structural had changed. Only awareness.

**

Reacting is effortless because it is borrowed from the past — old patterns, old triggers, old conditioning.

Responding requires presence. Choice. Consciousness.

Who would imagine that leadership transformation might sometimes begin not with strategy, but with something far smaller? One breath. Four seconds.

Just enough space for wisdom to enter where habit once ruled.

In Musing……                                                                                           Shakti Ghosal

The Promise No One Else Enforces


A decade after my executive coaching certification, one idea continues to stay with me: Accountability is rarely about others. It is about the promises we make to ourselves.

Not the corporate version of deadlines, dashboards, and reviews. Something quieter. More personal.

A simple question: Who holds us accountable for the things that truly matter?

The uncomfortable answer: we do.

**

Some time ago, a senior leader — let’s call him Arvind — walked into my office. Highly capable. Well respected. Clearly exhausted.

“I’m working harder than ever,” he said, “but everything feels stuck.”

Experience has taught me that “everything” usually has a centre of gravity.

“What feels most stuck?” I asked.

“My restructuring initiative,” he replied. “Everyone agrees it’s necessary. But it’s just not happening.”

“What’s stopping it?”

“The usual,” he sighed. Quarterly pressures. Reviews. Endless fires. Bad timing.

Logical. Reasonable. Entirely human.

But then I asked him three questions:

“If the Chairman had mandated this with a deadline — would it still be pending?”
“Of course not.”

“If your compensation depended on it?”
“Would have been done already.”

“If your team’s survival required it?”
“ Then, I would have done it yesterday.”

And there it was. The barrier wasn’t capability, clarity, or even time. It was consequence. Nothing happened if he delayed. No penalty. No discomfort. No urgency.

**

“Whose goal is this restructuring?” I asked.

“Mine.”

“Imposed?”

“No.”

“Do you believe in it?”

“Completely.”

“Then what agreement have you made with yourself about it?”

Silence. Then a smile of recognition. “None.”

**

Many of us confuse intention with commitment.

We say:

• I should do this
• I need to get to that
• I’ve been meaning to…

But progress rarely responds to “should.”

“What if,” I suggested, “you treated this not as a project — but as a promise?” Something you either honour or break. Not endlessly postpone.

**

“What’s the next visible action?” I asked.

“Announcing it to my leadership team.”

“When?”

“…Friday.”

“And how would you like me to support your accountability?” That question matters. Accountability imposed feels like control. Accountability invited becomes partnership.

“Ask me next week,” he said. “And challenge me if I haven’t done it.”

**

The following Tuesday he returned, noticeably lighter. “It’s done.”

“What changed?”

“I stopped treating it as something I should do,” he said, “and started treating it as something I had said I would do.”

A small shift. A profound one.

**

The most important commitments in our lives rarely come with external enforcement. No one penalises postponed courage. No dashboard tracks delayed growth. And yet, these commitments shape everything.

Accountability is not a management technique. It is a quiet act of integrity —an agreement between who we are today and who we intend to become.

**

Curious to hear your thoughts: 👉 Where have you seen self-accountability make the biggest difference in leadership or life?

In Musing……… Shakti Ghosal

The argument at the tea stall (When Beliefs Become Identity)


“Did you read that piece I sent?” Arjun asked.
Sameer frowned. “Who wrote it?”

“Why?”
“Because that tells me everything.”

“So the argument doesn’t matter?”
“Oh! it does matter,” Sameer said. “All folks who offer opinions always have an agenda.”

Arjun watched him quietly. “So we don’t examine the idea… we examine the person?”

Sameer shrugged. “Background. Bias. That’s how you know.”

Case closed.No thinking required.
We like to believe we are rational.
But most of the time, we are defenders, not thinkers.

Once a belief settles into the mind, it doesn’t stay a belief for long. It quietly becomes identity. And the moment that happens, any opposing idea stops feeling like information.
It feels like an attack.
Not on the argument.
On us.

“Just look at the data,” Arjun said.
“I already know the truth,” Sameer replied.That was the shift.His mind had stopped being a judge.It had become a lawyer.
*Not asking, “What is true?”But, “How do I prove I’m right?”*

So the evidence hunt began:
“I’ve read studies that agree with me.”
“Experts support this.”
“Your source must be flawed.”

And when facts refuse to cooperate?
The mind does what skilled lawyers do.
It bends them.
Reframes them.
Twists them — until they fit the story already believed.

“But you didn’t even consider it,” Arjun said.
“I don’t need to,” Sameer replied. “I know the type.”
That’s the final defense.
If you can’t defeat the idea, discredit the person.
“Who said it?”
“What’s their background?”
“What bias can we label them with?”
Once a label is found, the argument is declared invalid.
Comfort restored. Identity protected.
This isn’t intelligence at work.
This is ego guarding identity.

Psychology calls it confirmation bias — the tendency to search for evidence that supports what we already believe and dismiss what doesn’t. But deeper than that, it’s belief defense. The mind protecting its mental world from discomfort.
Because being wrong doesn’t just feel incorrect.
It feels like losing a piece of who we are.

Arjun said softly,
“You know when real thinking starts?”
Sameer looked at him.
“When something challenges you… and you still choose to look.”
A long pause.
“That uncomfortable feeling?” Arjun added.
“That’s the doorway most of us shut.”

Because growth never comes from defending what we already know. It comes from risking being wrong.

And in that small, silent moment —when we stop arguing and start examining — the mind takes off its lawyer’s coat…and remembers how to be a judge.

In musing………. Shakti Ghosal

The Perspective & Motivation model afflicting each one of us…..


We meet others as a headline.

We meet ourselves as a full autobiography.

So we compress people into labels—rude, careless, incompetent.

And we expand ourselves into explanations—pressure, timing, constraints, intent.

This is the Perspective & Motivation Attribution Model.

From the outside, a person looks like a trait.

From the inside, a person feels like a situation.

Their one act becomes their identity.

Our one act becomes an exception.

Their failure becomes “who they are.”

Our failure becomes “what happened to us.”

And here’s the uncomfortable truth:

our reasoning is often not a search for what is true—

it is a search for what is forgivable.

The mind is not just a storyteller.

It is also a lawyer.

Wisdom begins when we offer others the same context, we demand for ourselves—

and hold ourselves to the same standards we casually apply to others.

So, what could be the road map forward?

Awareness is the start of moving forward. We start by noticing Perspective & Motivation in folks around us- through their articulations and behaviour. We then turn the searchlight onto our own selves. And we become observers of our own Perspective & Motivation afflictions…….

In Musing…….. Shakti Ghosal

The ‘Puppy Dog Wag tail’ Syndrome: When the Need to Belong Undermines Authenticity


Abstract:

This article explores the social behavior commonly referred to as “Puppy Dog Wag Tail Syndrome”—where older individuals attempt to gain acceptance from younger social groups through excessive compliance, self-effacement, or mimicry, wagging one’s tail so to say! While this behavior stems from a natural human desire for belonging, it often compromises one’s authenticity and self-respect. Drawing from research in social psychology, this piece delves into the emotional drivers behind such behavior and advocates for embracing authenticity across generational lines.

Have you ever witnessed an elderly individual awkwardly trying to “blend in” with a younger group? Perhaps they crack out-of-place jokes, adopt unfamiliar slang, or seem constantly eager to please — laughing too hard, offering unsolicited help, or nervously seeking approval. This performative effort to fit in, often at the cost of dignity and self-awareness, is what might be called Puppy Dog Syndrome. Much like an over-eager pet desperate for affection, the individual’s behavior becomes centered around pleasing others, often sacrificing self-expression and confidence in the process.

While it may appear superficial on the surface, this behavior is rooted in something deeply human: the need to belong. Social psychologists Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary (1995) identified belongingness as a fundamental human motivation. Regardless of age, people crave connection, approval, and inclusion. Yet, when belonging feels uncertain — especially in cross-generational settings where values, cultural references, and energy levels diverge — the fear of exclusion can drive compensatory behaviors.

Older individuals, particularly in youth-dominated spaces like workplaces, social media platforms, or casual gatherings, may feel a loss of relevance or influence. In such settings, some try to gain favor by imitating youth or subordinating themselves — often unconsciously — in exchange for social acceptance. But the cost of such behavior can be significant. Carl Rogers, the humanistic psychologist, referred to this pattern as living according to “conditions of worth” — behaving in ways that earn external validation rather than expressing one’s true self.

This misalignment can take a psychological toll. A 2006 study by Kernis and Goldman found that chronic inauthenticity is associated with lower self-esteem, increased anxiety, and reduced life satisfaction. It’s a hollow kind of belonging that demands constant performance, rather than one built on mutual respect and individuality.

What’s most tragic about Puppy Dog Syndrome is that it often masks the rich experience, insight, and stability that older individuals have to offer. Rather than chasing youth, they might be better served — and more appreciated — by showing up as their authentic selves, offering perspective rather than parody.

Intergenerational engagement works best not through mimicry but through mutual curiosity and honesty. Younger generations often value authenticity more than they let on. There’s strength in standing tall in one’s own identity, wisdom in speaking with one’s own voice, and grace in not needing to follow the crowd.

In a world obsessed with fitting in, perhaps the most radical act is simply being yourself — fully, unapologetically, and without the need for approval.

References

  • Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
  • Kernis, M. H., & Goldman, B. M. (2006). A multicomponent conceptualization of authenticity: Theory and research. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 283–357.
  • Rogers, C. R. (1959). A theory of therapy, personality and interpersonal relationships as developed in the client-centered framework. In S. Koch (Ed.), Psychology: A Study of a Science, Vol. 3. McGraw-Hill.

In musing……… Shakti Ghosal

How to improve Power Listening in today’s Disruptive World


Introduction

In today’s dynamic and disruptive world, where change is the only constant, the ability to listen deeply and effectively—what we call ‘Power Listening’—has become an essential leadership and personal development skill. To many of us, Listening occurs as a passive process. No one notices when we tune off, we also retain the luxury of judging what we are hearing. This is also why Listening is a complex and demanding skill that needs conscious effort and self-awareness. I have always found it difficult to listen to what is being said with no intention, no judgment, no right or wrong.

In a landscape characterized by rapid technological advancements, shifting economic paradigms, and evolving workplace dynamics, power listening enables leaders, professionals, and individuals to navigate complexities with greater clarity, empathy, and strategic foresight.

According to Zenger and Folkman (2016) in their Harvard Business Review article What Great Listeners Actually Do, great listening goes beyond simply being silent while others speak. It involves active engagement, thoughtful questioning, and creating a safe space for open dialogue. Similarly, in The Power of Listening in Leadership (Forbes, 2021), Kevin Kruse emphasizes that effective listening strengthens leadership presence and fosters trust in professional relationships.

Understanding the Challenges of Listening

Despite its fundamental role in communication, listening is often overshadowed by speaking. Many assume they are good listeners, yet, as I have realized through personal introspection, listening is fraught with unconscious biases, preconceptions, and cognitive distractions. Each individual listens for different reasons and in unique ways, influenced by past experiences, emotions, and personal filters.

Reflecting on my own listening tendencies, I recognize that my ability to listen deeply is not always consistent. My engagement in a conversation depends largely on three factors: (1) my genuine interest and curiosity in the subject matter, (2) the perceived relevance and importance of the topic to me, and (3) the significance of the speaker in my personal and professional life. In the absence of these factors, I have observed a decline in my listening quality, often succumbing to perceptual blocks such as impatience, judgment, and the urge to prepare my response rather than truly absorbing the speaker’s message.

The Value of Power Listening

Power listening goes beyond hearing words—it involves deep engagement, empathy, and a conscious effort to understand the speaker’s perspective. I have personally found that when practiced effectively, power listening yields several benefits:

  1. Building Trust and Confidence: A powerful listener enhances the self-worth of others, creating an environment of psychological safety where individuals feel valued and heard.
  2. Enhancing Leadership Effectiveness: Leaders who listen powerfully cultivate stronger relationships, inspire loyalty, and encourage collaboration. Employees and stakeholders gravitate towards those who make them feel understood.
  3. Facilitating Problem-Solving and Innovation: Power listening fosters a collaborative and open atmosphere, enabling teams to engage in meaningful dialogue and address complex challenges effectively.
  4. Encouraging a Growth Mindset: When leaders listen without judgment, they instill confidence in others, encouraging a culture of learning, experimentation, and continuous improvement.

A Plan to Enhance Power Listening Skills

One might ask the question, ‘So what kind of a plan one needs to become a power listener?’ My plan included the following steps:

  1. Develop Self-Awareness: I continuously assessed my natural listening tendencies, acknowledged biases, and consciously worked to overcome them.
  2. Identify Communication Gaps: By reflecting on daily interactions, I could recognize patterns where my listening faltered and I needed to refocus back.
  3. Practice Active Listening: I needed to implement the following techniques in my conversations:
    1. Attentiveness: Focus on the speaker’s words, emotions, and underlying intent.
    1. Empathy: Place myself in the speaker’s position, avoiding premature judgment.
    1. Validation: Reflect back to the speaker meaningful insights to acknowledge and appreciate the speaker’s perspective.
    1. Mental Clarity: Train myself to resist formulating responses while listening.
    1. Patience: Allow space for the speaker to elaborate without interruption.
    1. Encouragement: Reinforce the speaker’s strengths and motivate action.

The Emotional Impact of Being Heard

Listening is not just a transactional activity—it is deeply emotional and relational. When I am truly listened to, I experience a profound sense of connection, self-worth, and trust. The act of being heard or having ‘being gotten’ fulfills an intrinsic human need, fostering intimacy and mutual respect. Philosophers have long argued that being listened to is one of the most powerful affirmations of one’s existence. It provides the confidence to articulate thoughts, process challenges, and move forward with clarity and purpose.

Conclusion

In an era where distractions are rampant and attention spans are shrinking, power listening stands as a critical skill that differentiates effective leaders and impactful professionals. It is a skill that must be cultivated with intentionality, self-reflection, and consistent practice. By refining our listening abilities, we could aspire to become a more empathetic, perceptive, and influential leader—one who not only hears but truly understands and empowers others. In doing so, one would contribute to a more engaged, collaborative, and resilient world.

In Learning……                                                   Shakti Ghosal

References

  • Zenger, J., & Folkman, J. (2016). What Great Listeners Actually Do. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved from https://hbr.org
  • Kruse, K. (2021). The Power of Listening in Leadership. Forbes. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com

#powerlistening, #leadershipeffectiveness, #disruptiveworld, #Zengerandfolkman,#Kruse, #Innovation,#growthmindset,#selfawareness, #communicationgaps, #activelistening,#empathy

Trust- A bulwark of relationships


Trust is a foundational element of relationships and interactions. My decades of working   in organisations and relating to people have made me realise that Trust flows out from three aspects of how we relate to people and how we interact with team members and others.

First and foremost is the Integrity of our word. We need to be clear to our own selves that the way others see us is how we ‘honour our word.’ Do we keep it and if we cannot, do we inform about that at the earliest opportunity and be willing to clear up any mess caused?

Second is the aspect of accountability. When we can own up to our own errors of judgement and take responsibility, we start creating an environment where others ‘feel safe’ to do the same.

And finally, is the aspect of transparency which builds credibility and shows others that we are willing to share information honestly, even when it is difficult.

What trust leads to is open communication and ‘risk taking’ initiatives with the potential to transform workplaces to becoming more supportive and innovative.

To showcase, how Trust works, I wish to relate the case of Johnson & Johnson and its Tylenol product crisis of 1982. The company faced a severe crisis when people in Chicago died after taking cyanide-laced capsules of Extra-Strength Tylenol, a top-selling, trusted pain reliever.

While Johnson & Johnson was not responsible for the tampering, it faced intense scrutiny and an immediate threat to the overall J & J brand.

The company made a series of bold decisions, guided by its corporate philosophy, which prioritized customers over all else. It immediately recalled over thirty million bottles of the product costing the company over $100 million. The company maintained open and honest communication with the public, issuing warnings and engaging with the media. This transparency helped rebuild public trust and showed they were prioritizing customer well-being.

 By placing consumer trust above profit and acting with integrity, Johnson & Johnson was able to rebuild and even strengthen their brand. In a matter of months, Tylenol regained a significant share of the pain-reliever market, and Johnson & Johnson became known as a company that values trust and ethics.

In a recent ‘Mindset Matters’ podcast, Executive Coach Frank Marinko and I deep dived into the fundamentals of what constitutes Trust and how what constitutes our word becomes so crucial in the matter.

In learning……….                                                Shakti Ghosal

How do we motivate our own self in the face of goal multiplicity and pathway uncertainty?


As I thought about this question, a workplace experience from the past showed up. In my first job, I was an Assistant Mechanical Engineer in an Electric Diesel Locomotive maintenance workshop of the Indian Railways. I seemed to be confronted with disparate and multiple problems like dirty work bays, breakdown of machines, the workers’ trade union raising different kinds of demands, and so on. As I tackled one issue, other workplace crises seemed to occur elsewhere. I was always firefighting with disparate problems with no overall improvements in terms of productivity and output.

 Over time, I became demotivated with ‘loser mindset’ thoughts which kept circling in my head. These thoughts were like ‘I am doing the best I can’, ‘No point in trying hard, nothing will change’, “I have a wrong boss, bad subordinates’… and so on. A kind of workplace lethargy set in, a laziness to try newer ways and the unwillingness to get out of the rut.

 My mind shifted during a footplate inspection when I experienced firsthand the problems faced by the travellers from locomotive failures. A context got created in my mind, ‘When we don’t operate timely schedules, people’s lives get effected’. As I brought this perspective as an overarching vision for myself, my day-to-day work focus, the language I would use, my handling of situations changed. I felt more energy flow, motivation, and excitement. What was more remarkable was that my team started aligning itself with the overarching vision. My passion seemed to be seeping into them as they perceived that the actions were also addressing their own concerns.

 As I think back, I can say that what can motivate us most is our ability to create an overarching vision which excites and pulls us towards goal achievement as more and more stakeholders start seeing the vision meaningful, relevant, and addressing their own concerns.

Recently, in a ‘Mindset Matters’ podcast, while discussing the above subject, we came to a counterintuitive and interesting perspective that the sheer act of encouraging someone else can lead to our own selves being encouraged and motivated to achieve our own goals.

Should you wish to listen to the podcast, do DM me and I would be happy to send the link.

In Learning……… Shakti Ghosal

Do your Leadership choices upset your stakeholders?


This was the question that was debated during a podcast which I did recently with Executive Coach Frank Marinko in Australia.

All of us know that leadership is all about making choices. It is about aligning the organisation and its underlying stakeholder relationships with an overarching vision and intrinsic values. However, the prism that each stakeholder uses to evaluate decisions and decide on a roadmap could be significantly different from one another. We might hold complete clarity, based on our own belief and experience-based prism, about what and how something needs to be done. This is where the pitfall of a ‘My way or highway’ mindset lies.

Based on market conditions and the need to do a strategic shift, you might need to cut costs by reducing the workforce. But this could lead to employee insecurity and negative publicity. You might decide to use certain material to improve product quality but that might bring a backlash from environmentalists. A tradeoff between shareholder profits and employee benefits might lead to morale drop and lower productivity. Such a list of potential pitfalls can be long.

So how could you as a leader successfully negotiate and mitigate the above risks?

In this context, you might wish to listen to the two podcasts which are in the laser coaching realm.

In Learning…….. Shakti Ghosal

The Mantra of Personal Mastery


Recently at an IIM Udaipur conducted Management Development Program (MDP) for Indus Towers managers, I anchored four sessions. We started with the overarching perspective of Leadership and personal mastery before drilling down to specifics of Power & influence in teams, Managing high performance teams and the Feedback & Delegation aspects in Team Dynamics. We ensured a surfeit of activities, Role Plays and Case Studies to deepen the learning through practice and Ideation.

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In one of the sessions, we were in discussion of the aspects of ‘Honouring one’s word’ and ‘Being Authentic’ as performance accelerators of a team. Several participants mentioned their reservations about this, as under:

“If we become authentic and honour our word and others in the team do not do it, we would be taken advantage of and would be forced to do the work of others”

“All this is good theory but just does not work in real life. The fact is the Management has perceptions of who are good versus who are bad and irrespective of whether we honour our word or not, the favoured ones would get rewarded in terms of promotions and bonus”

In life, we are conditioned to judge others on moral and ethical yardsticks but remain quick to rationalize our own failings against the same yardsticks. We look around to try and determine who all are ‘honouring their word’ and tell ourselves that we would wait for others to honour and keep their word before we keep our own. As Chris Argyris had said about self-deception, ‘Put simply, people consistently act inconsistently, unaware of the contradiction between the way they think they are acting and the way they really act.’

 To gain the ability to honour our own word, we should be prepared to deeply deliberate and answer the question, ‘Where is my word when it comes time for me to keep my own word?’  In the ultimate analysis, there is a simple but inviolable equation of workability which is YOU are equal to YOUR WORD.

As I explained to the participants, team performance has very little to do with peering over shoulders to ascertain who is doing what. It has almost everything to do with how we can create trust of others in us. And creating trust has everything to do about Integrity viz. honouring our word and being authentic about how we show up for others. While some may try and take advantage of your trust in the short term, the aura of trust leads to team members gravitating towards you, working with you as you shift into being a natural leader.

How might you incorporate ‘Honouring your word’ and ‘Being authentic’ as part of how you show up tomorrow with your stakeholders?

In Learning……. Shakti Ghosal

Further Reading: ‘Integrity is a matter of a person’s word- nothing more, nothing less’– Michael Jensen, Professor Emeritus, Harvard Business School. Revised March 28, 2014.

Note : Indus Towers is India’s largest mobile tower installation company.  In India, 3 out of every 5 calls made are through an Indus site. https://www.industowers.com/