What is out of harmony and how do I restore it?


But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?

                                                    Albert Camus, French philosopher, early 20th century
 

Harmony. The word itself brings forth visions that soothe and caress. Of wafting melodies. Of the gurgling of a mountain spring. Of the swaying of flowers in the wind. Of a synchronicity of notes and music.

What is my harmony? It is intrinsic to who I am. What I feel, what I think, what I say and what I do. It is a ballet of all these aspects of mine. When I am in harmony, these pieces fit and the alignment between my inner and outer self comes into being.

As I reflect on ‘What is out of harmony and how do I restore it?’ I realise this holds the power to set the ultimate goal for my inner self. As I try to align my inner self with my outer behaviour into a harmonic resonance.

Am I in harmony? I shine the light of this question inwards and seek. Where is the disconnect in the way I feel, think, speak or behave? Yes, at times I do feel out of sorts- frustrated or confused. At other times I feel upset or overwhelmed. I see this happening mostly in my relationships- at work, at home or amongst friends. I see the disharmony between what I feel and think and the way I am conditioned to act and speak. These are clearly not on the same page. I notice that what comes in the way is my ego. That ego which is always putting up a façade and trying to project a different image of “ME- SELF” than what I really am inside.

But my ego has its usefulness. It creates a resistance, sometimes aggressive, sometimes passive, sometimes positive and at other times negative to any perceived attack on my self. And I do find this resistance gives me stability.  Stability about “Who I am”, “Who I want to be.” And at other times “Who I do not want to be.” As I further think of this, I realise that I am also offering some kind of stability to the attacker as he tries to push, pull or grab some aspect of me. The attacker expects and needs my resistance for his attack to work. I seek to be part of the conflict and this makes me feel emotionally powerful. I justify to myself that I need to maintain my ego because otherwise the attacker would see the weak real me.

I time travel into the nineties. Fresh into a new job, I was having an awful time with this guy from the corporate office. I felt powerless in front of his overbearing and bossy attitude. An attitude which made me feel like a scapegoat every time we interacted. Then one day the volcano burst- an outburst from the usual reticent me. And it was too late to pick up the pieces. Years later, I came to realise that the corporate guy had similar qualities to a school teacher in my childhood. This teacher used to bruise my confidence (ego) by always judging and criticising me in a discriminatory manner. My reaction in the workplace came from the perception that my ego faced a similar hurtful situation. I had played the script of offering resistance to my attacker to perfection.

But does my past justify how I need to react in the future? Or is this my excuse to maintain disharmony in my life?

  • What thoughts and beliefs do I engage in that create disharmony in my life?
  • Does disharmony in me cause conflict with others at  work, at home or at play?
  • Do I tend to blame others for my disharmony?
  • What if I let my ego down? What could happen?
  • What if the other guy sees the real me?

As I ask myself these questions, I start gaining clarity. I see them as issues to be dealt with rather than excuses.

I realise that to restore my harmony, I would need to offer no resistance, or as little as possible, to attacks on my ego. This is initially a frightening prospect with my deep rooted fear of getting hurt taking control over me. But I delve deeper…..

When the other person decides to attack me / my ego, he is breaking the harmony of our joint universe.  If I choose to offer no resistance, I move to a place of harmony as I leave my attacker out of harmony in his relationship with our universe. I believe that as he is left alone without any resistance from me to give him stability, nature would restore harmony in him. Without my ego for him to attack, he would have to stop.

I see now that harmony empowers the highest level of Self Management in me. As it supports me to act from a place of integrity; a place where there is no fakeness or self-deception. Harmony allows me to be at peace within my own skin. But I also notice that to achieve harmony, I need to begin with my values. What’s really, really important to me?

Ultimately, to answer the question, “What is out of harmony and how do I restore it?” I need to first answer, “Am I living my values?”

In learning……………..                                                                           Shakti Ghosal

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60 thoughts on “What is out of harmony and how do I restore it?

  1. I love your musings, Shakti. Harmony, blessed harmony. We seem to get out own selves out of sync with our true selves every now and then, and the above is great advice by way of self reflection.

    Can’t believe how long since I’ve been here! I forgot how insightful you are. Really good posts, Shakti.

    • Self reflection can indeed be so powerful in our’s life journey. We need to however hold the courage and the mindset of an attached observer here. How many of us can do that?

      Thank you for your kind acknowledgement.

      Shakti

  2. There is harmony in discord too. Being aware of happenings within and around and to act in accordance is true realization, little that I understand.
    Good to see you, Shakti.
    Warm Regards
    Arjun.

    • What is discord but our attempts to fight reality. What is is. As we accept this , we start seeing harmony within.

      Thank you for this great thought Arun. I appreciate you.

      Shakti

  3. What a great article, Shakti!
    You’ve brought some major insights here – that’s so true – feeling disharmonious is an indication that we need to glimpse within us and do some corrective job there, rather than deploying ego and trying to change the things without! 🙂

  4. This is all so true and you have touched the insecurities in all of us. I feel just what you do. Human?

    I know a gentleman who – when attacked – finds the core of truth in the attack and acknowledges it. (He’s told me that there is always something in a conflict that he needs to hear or learn.) He then thanks the person for the lesson. I believe he is always sincere. His attacker is left totally off balance (disarmed) and my friend walks away in peace. He is also the only person I know who can fire someone from a job and still have their love and devotion. He seems to have such a strong core combined with such strong compassion … almost like he has no ego, but actually I think his ego is like steal. For me, my emotions kick in and then – too late!

    Thanks for yet another throught-provoking piece. Shakti, I hope you and your family are getting settled in a new place or well on the way to having repairs done on the old.

    Many blessings,
    Jamie

    • Hi Jamie,

      I wish I could know this Gentleman whom you have alluded to. He clearly is so far ahead in this empowering journey taht we could all learn from him.

      As I wrote the piece, I was fully aware of the extreme difficulty in practising. Our inner gremlins feed on our insecurities and ensure we end up reacting as we try and ” protect” ourselves.

      Thank you for this lovely comment Jamie, I appreciate you.

      Shakti

  5. Totally agree that ego is responsible for our disharmony. The first step is to acknowledge the fact. It makes us feel separate and gives us the need to get the better of the other guy. We have to really know ourselves to overcome it. Wise words here on your blog:)

  6. Shakti, I’ve really missed your voice and realize you haven’t been coming up on my reader. Hmmm … Anyhow, this piece is poignant to me because I’ve been struggling with some of the same questions around what is out of harmony within myself. I keep trying to write about it – I DO write about it – but then I don’t publish it because I’ve not yet gotten to what is actually true and/or of value to anybody else. To put my own struggle into words, it’s a pull between what I know to be true (feelings) and what my mind plays with as entertainment (conditioning). And it’s a real struggle, too – though I’d like to believe I’m ‘more evolved than that.’ And many times I seem to be. But you’ve pushed a button here that I’ve been leaning on myself, and for that I thank you. Makes me realize I’m not alone in the struggle.

    • Bela,

      You are right. I have been facing some challenges ( shall not say more here as I hope to write a post on that) which has kept me somewhat away from this space.

      Reading your comment reveals the intrinsic coach in you.Your awareness of the polarity between your “feelings” and “conditioning” is in itself a great step forward.So how does one make peace here? I guess one needs to determine which aspects align into our core values.With this determination we would achieve harmony.The other thing which I believe works is to “let go” of our attachments.

      Yes Bela, you definitely are not alone in your striving.

      Cheers and God bless.

      Shakti

  7. It’s always a great step to take a deep look into one’s self and to annualise what is making us tick, Self analysis often leaves us with more questions.. Trusting in that middle road and appearing passive often others judge as being weak..

    Living in balance with ones self and turning away from confrontation, and sending out a compassionate thought to an aggressive attacker who’s own ego can overtake his direction, is a sign of a great warrior.

    To lash back only creates more disharmony in the Universe… While we have to understand there is always opposites, for without one we do not learn the other, We also have to understand that there is a need for Balance…
    We have many things confront us in our ‘lessons’ in life which upset that balance, which can bring us to a point of Disharmony.. But we are always given a choice….
    How we face those challenges in life help us learn about Harmony and how good it feels when its present in our lives.. Living in the NOW is the PRESENT/Gift, For many hold onto emotions of regret, anger, sorrow, and fear. Fear of what others may think, and Fear of reprisals, Fear of appearing to not care, Many things we Humans are conditioned with.. Like the views of your School Teacher who still you remember how they made you ‘Feel’ … We are indoctrinated with much emotional baggage as we take on the labels to address ourselves by… So we feel Important.. But you know none of it matters… Only Self and how we perceive our own Being. Once we master that we are well on the way to Harmony.. And we have a long journey ahead of us..
    Each obstacle can be a reflective mirror as it reflects back an aspect of ourselves… Only when we look in the Mirror and see our own faults do we clear our path as we see ourselves clearer with a deeper understanding of who we are… And who we would not rather be..
    Only then as we LOOK WITHIN do we find TRUE Harmony with ourselves.. as we become ONE with ourselves for the first Time… as we seek no approval or anything external.. For it is only at that moment in the present… when we see we are Complete.. and Whole.. and ONE..

    Blessings Shakti and at last I am visiting your wonderful words which make me THINK! Deeply to my own SELF.. Thank you ..
    ~Sue

    • Hi Sue,

      You have brought into this forum a wonderfully comprehensive self realisation. Or do I call it self actualisation? What I love about your comment is the way you have thought through the process to in fact lay out a road map for the uninitiated.

      Indeed it is all about balance and equilibrium and as we look around us , our surroundings and even into the farthest depths of the Universe, we do see this paradigm hold true. So what is the learning in this for you and me?

      I loved your thoughts on how one needs to view challenges and I quote, “Each obstacle can be a reflective mirror as it reflects back an aspect of ourselves… Only when we look in the Mirror and see our own faults do we clear our path as we see ourselves clearer with a deeper understanding of who we are… And who we would not rather be..” This to me is the essence of self realisation and the way forward path I spoke of earlier.

      I appreciate you for your gracious presence here Sue and God Bless.

      Shakti

  8. this post gave so many thought and share great perspective, why I am troubled, why I am bothered? and I love the question hanging and need to be answered, “Am I living my values?” to achieve harmonious life… excellent post shakti…

    • Thank you Willofheart for your kind words. Yes, it all comes down to the essence of our own values and whether we are living by them. So WOH, when are you going to answer that question for yourself?

      God Bless.

      Shakti

  9. In my mind the primary reason for lashing out at perceived attacks is a lack of selfworth and belief in ourselves. In most cases the attackers themselves are people with low self esteem who need to prove a point. Loving ourselves and feeling ‘valued’ has to be of primary importance especially as children. Wish our schools could understand this simple fact. There would be much harmony all round 🙂

    • Hi Madhu,

      That is indeed a profound insight. ” Loving ourselves and feeling valued” as the starting point to achieve resonance is a great perspective. What I hear you say is that we need to develop the attitude and mindset to be responsible for situations around us rather than falling into the blame game trap.

      I appreciate you, Madhu.

      Shakti

  10. A beautiful post that answers one of the most important questions that each of us ask ourselves. Harmony is often hard to achieve but worth every hard work and perseverance. Harmony is finding peace in oneself, to overcome negativity, to find contentment in one’s current stats of life, to forgive and be forgiven, to find one’s faith, to love and be loved…harmony is the sum of these and even more for others. And yes, having the right values is vital to achieving this. Inspiring my friend.

    • That is indeed a lovely perspective and insight into harmony. You have provided a gist and, more important, the way to achieve this increasingly elusive thing in our lives.

      I truly appreciate your presence here.

      Shakti

  11. Coworker, roomates, family members. I think that the great cluster of folks who create conflict in our relationships. And most of us hate conflict. It’s amazing the things we put up with rather than face the conflict and as you say, have the courage to work through to the harmony. Thanks for stopping by my site. You have very thoughtful posts.

    • Hi Barb,

      My apologies for acknowledging you late but somehow your comment had slipped through. You are so right, it does need courage and, more than that,self respect and self conviction to be able to align our actions to our values and move towards Harmony.

      I appreciate you for your presence here.

      Shakti

  12. Reblogged this on MysteryCoach and commented:
    I don’t know about you people but I’ve been thinking about how I would deal with people like Nog among other things and about being me and the whole idea I have of not turning into someone I’m not based on other peoples behaviors or lack thereof and this morning I posted Dr. Oz drink and this fella here came by and said hello. I went by his site and he nicely blends the ego in with the whole idea of what I’ve been thinking. I also think about how fear and same or similar circumstances in life can revive the fears I have from my past which can cloud over my judgement. Fear of loss, fear of making the same mistakes again, fear of not seeing something and/or making excuses for things that don’t feel good to me and it’s like, I don’t have those fears all the time only when something is being done so again, we have to be around people of like mind in our lives. I don’t want to be around people who drag me down or make me feel bad and I know we say someone can’t “make” us feel bad and no one can make us feel inferior without our consent, yet sometimes they do. I understand it’s an opportunity for us to grow and to define ourselves, but sometimes it just hurts. My personal goal 🙂 again… is to be calm. I’m getting there and I’m really proud of myself too.

    • Hi,

      Thanks for reblogging my post. Much appreciated. I have also tried to address the other question you put upto me and part of my answer might resonate with you relating to some of the other thoughts you have brought here.

      I totally agree when you say that to grow in life, we need to have the support structure of likeminded people around us.

      God Bless.

      Shakti

  13. I do have a really big question for you. I worked with a woman who was horrible to be around, very manipulative, conniving individual whose main purpose was to separate and divide people so she could be in control (if only in her mind). She sat 10 feet from me every day and I was her walking target. I did try to ignore her and get along and do as you’ve suggested up here and yes, it did stem from fear and my own anger at a person who would behave this way… but how do you contend with that? When it’s in your face, day in and day out… I do struggle with that. I’m not around her anymore, thank goodness 🙂 … I tried being nice, I tried deflecting, ignoring her, I addressed her directly, it was always “something”… and nothing worked for me, to get her out of my system. This is something that I’d like to learn because I do not like people like that and I try to stay away from them as much as possible.

    I understand what you’ve said about ego and deep rooted fears of being hurt as I have been hurt in life by people like this completely. Funny you popped by my blog today and I read this, I’ve been thinking about how I would like to handle someone like this in the future if I’m around them all the time and Poof! Your post. How cool is that!?>

    • Hi MysteryCoach,

      Thank you for bringing this great question here.I will try to address it to the best of my ability.

      First and foremost, I believe we need to separate the Sin from the Sinner as we try to make sense of an individual’s behaviour and actions. So we need to focus on the ” horribleness” of the behaviour/ actions of this “woman” rather than on the woman. To me the actions come from an unstable inner space ( low self esteem, self dignity?) and as she holds a resentment against others ( like you) who, in her perception, lead a fuller and more enriching life than her. Her actions and behaviour are therefore meant to project her inner frustration, loss of esteem onto the others as she tries to desperately justify her own distorted view of reality through making you and others react in a similar manner to her own. So how does one handle such behaviour? I guess the way you adopted, by not reacting and evading the “horrible” behaviour.

      Your example calls to my mind the book “Leadership and Self Deception- getting out of the box” published by Arbinger Institute about a decade back where your kind of situations , which are common in the workplace, are analysed. I would urge you to read the book if you get the opportunity. Awhile back, I had in fact referenced it in another post and I would point you to that should you or other readers be interested.

      https://esgeemusings.com/2012/06/01/what-if/

      Cheers, I appreciate you.

      Shakti Ghosal

      • Shakti,

        This is hard to absorb for me because people like her can break things apart, I’m not a fan of that. I understand what you’re saying, however it’s very hard to absorb. It makes me angry when people do things that hurt other people and while I grasp that it’s about them and their insecurities, I struggle with the deceit of it all.

        I did confront her on several occasions however it didn’t work. I “do” however want to learn how not to allow these types of people (other than complete dismissal from my immediate surroundings) to get to me. They do, I haven’t gotten to that place yet as it pertains to people like this. I’m working on it. 🙂

        Oh no, so you know, I didn’t sink to her levels. I could have but I refused to be that person.

        Thank you, I appreciate you too 🙂

        M.C.

  14. Dear Shakti,

    I am currently in Los Angeles with my wife, attending the annual Convocation of the Self Realization Fellowship — an event that draws over 4,000 people from all over the world, cutting across different faiths and religions, for a week devoted exclusively to meditation, rumination, contemplation, and satsanga. Unsurprisingly, the dominant topic is harmony, and your post, consequently, is not only topical, but resonates deeply.

    One of the senior monastics from the SRF order delivered a talk on the opening day on “Creating Harmony: The Secret Principle of a Successful, Fulfilling life.”

    The opening prayer of each session concludes with the invocation “Aum, Shanti, Peace, Harmony.”

    Your opening quote from Camus reminds me of Mahatma Gandhi’s memorable advice: “Happiness is when — what you think, what you say, and what you do, are in harmony.”

    While it is evident that at a very basic and atavistic level, we are all seeking harmony, yet your post prompted me to wonder — if harmony is so fundamental to human happiness, why do we need constant reminders to actively seek it? One would have expected the human race to be hard wired to seek and find harmony like a flock of homing pigeons. Why, then the reality of pervasive discord dissonance and dis-harmony that seems to permeate our daily existence, hanging over us like a malodorous miasma?

    You have referred to the role of the ego. Saints and sages have traditionally identified the ego as a source of conflict and disharmony, yet to wish it away is futile.

    Besides, as you have correctly noted, it cannot be denied that the ego also plays a very positive role, and furnishes one of the main factors behind individual motivation and the pursuit of excellence. Take away the ego, and you eviscerate the very essence of the human being, and consign him to cookie-cutter colourless conformity.

    The question therefore arises, what can each one of us do to promote harmony, at least in one’s own sphere of influence, which encompasses the family, friends circle, workplace, and community?

    I believe that your own experience projects that the starting point is not to fight the ego, nor to be subsumed by it, but to channelise it positively. Tame it and rein it in, and used constructively, it has the potential to drive you to seek self improvement and self realization while avoiding strife and discord.

    The key is to constantly remind oneself that everyone else has an ego too. If only I could succeed in incorporating this in my value system, I would have taken a giant step towards restoring harmony in my own life. Easier said than done!

    Best,

    Viney Sahgal
    Sent from my iPad
    ( Lounge Session Group)

    • Dear Sir,

      At the outset, my apologies for the somewhat delayed response.

      I am indeed delighted to know that you and your wife are attending this worldwide convocation on Self Realisation in LA. Though increasingly overused in today’s world and unfortunately being reduced to a near plebian status, Self Realisation does hold the power to elevate us to become superior beings. With such realisation we walk the path of awareness which holds the promise of the higher aspect of Self Consciousness. I am sure the sessions would have been empowering and allowed for much food for thought and self appraisal.

      Thank you once again, Sir, for your deep and holistic comment on my post. Yes, the bottom line is an alignment of our intrinsic values which define who we are and our interactions with the outside world. Therein lies our specific harmony. Indeed, difficult to achieve but something to move towards. And as we move, the journey itself would yield great harmony and happiness.

      As always, I take the opportunity to take your comment to my blog site for others to appreciate.

      With Warm Regards

      Shakti Ghosal ’74

    • Hi there!

      At the outset, do accept my apologies but I somehow missed your comment and the wonderful quote from Mahatma Gandhi which I would like to acknowledge. Indeed , harmony has so many facets. From the way sub-atomic particles and the building blocks of matter show up to what we see happening in the farthest reaches of the Universe.Does Harmony therefore signify something greater than what we percieve? Food for thought….

      Cheers

      Shakti

  15. When you spoke of the difficulty you had with a co-worker, I thought back to a similar situation I experienced several years ago. In a book of Zen philosophy, I found something that gave me comfort: “Be thankful for anyone in your life who’s a problem. They’re your teachers, for they show you where you truly stand. A great saint once said to a disciple who came to him complaining about someone else: ‘He is your greatest blessing. In fact, if he were not here, it would behoove us to go out and find one like him.”

    We eventually made peace. Shakti, the questions you pose are thoughtful ones to consider – especially if we want to restore harmony to our lives.

    • Hi Judy,

      That is an awesome thought. What I hear you say is that it is our perception of a problem that brings in the awareness of the extent of instability that we carry inside. Indeed it is this instability that leads us to project our own fears and guilts onto the outside person or circumstance.This is where we truly stand….

      Thanks for your presence here, I appreciate you.

      Shakti

  16. Greetings Shakti…Doesn’t it all break down into simply realizing the importance of truly knowing ones authentic self? Until one knows oneself intimately, knows ones true values, how can they live a life of harmony? It is all about knowing ourselves. You can’t drive a car safely unless you know how to drive it, where everything is, how it works. How can we live our lives if we don’t know anything about ourselves, what makes us work and what doesn’t, what matters, what doesn’t? Our booklet of instructions is our knowledge of ourselves we learn through observation. Great post Shakti….As always a thought provoker 🙂 Blessings…VK

    • Hi VK,

      Once again thank you for your very thoughtful and kind comments. Yes , it does boil down to following a path of self awareness and discovery. As we walk on this path, we gain consciousness of our intrinsic values and our long held beliefs. The choice however remains with us. Do we align our actions and responses to our values or do we choose to live in the gap? Do we choose to hold onto beliefs which no longer serve us or are we courageous enough to let them go?

      You are always so motivating VK, I appreciate you …. just as I enjoy reading your reports.

      Cheers

      Shakti

  17. thank you for dropping by my blog. I really enjoyed reading your entry. Of course your example was a flashback to a younger age when, dare I say, our egos sometimes have a better hold on us than our light, BUT I wonder what would happen now that you have this awareness? What if you walked into work having already let go of ego? I wonder if that situation would have ever even occured? I have done some experimenting lately and have noticed that when I am in harmony and I greet the world with love, then there is no room for negativity. People I meet either rise to that level or don’t say anything at all.
    Thank you again for visiting. I appreciate your insights.
    Maria

    • Hi Maria,

      What a pleasant surprise to see you here. As I reflect on your comment, I realise that inspite of a greater awareness of self and aspects which feed my ego, I continue to face situations where the ego and the underlying beliefs that feed it get the better of me. I can only surmise that I have miles to go yet before I can claim mastery of my feelings and actions. But what I feel happy and fulfilled about is that I am at least on the path and enjoying the journey and the challenges.

      Thank you for your kind acknowledgement, I appreciate your presence.

      Shakti

  18. I enjoy reading your insights and yes, I agree. I call it the process of “letting go”: when you reach a point where your attacker can no longer hurt you because you let go of your pain and pride (ego). The more we learn to let go of pride, the more we learn to be at harmony with ourselves.

  19. I don’t really understand the concept of “harmony” but what I hear is that you believe one thing and you acted differently from your belief and this brought about that discomfort or “disharmony” of which you speak. It is difficult for me not to experience that almost daily due to the social navigation of the world. Society compels us to act in a certain way but that may not be “in harmony” with what our insides tell us. Can we be honest outwardly without social rejection? I don’t think so always- sometimes yes, sometimes no. So then, when no- as long as you stick to your values or moral code, and act without crossing over that border – you can maintain harmony, I think. Difficult and thought provoking as usual. 🙂

  20. Great thoughts Shakti and well articulated. I liked that bit where you say”When the other person decides to attack me / my ego, he is breaking the harmony of our joint universe. If I choose to offer no resistance, I move to a place of harmony as I leave my attacker out of harmony in his relationship with our universe. I believe that as he is left alone without any resistance from me to give him stability, nature would restore harmony in him. Without my ego for him to attack, he would have to stop.” I personally tend to agree with this obsevation . Negativity builds on negativity and before you know there is huge skyscraper there.

    • Hi Nadira,

      Thanks for dropping by and your comment. Yes, negativity indeed feeds on negativity till the whole thing explodes and we are left to pick up the pieces. Our ego which really is the fountainhead of our negativities, warps our perception lens through which we evince our “truth” and thereupon judge and emote. So as we move aside and offer no resisitance,our ego gets incapacitated to allow judgements…. and further resistance. And therein lies the essence of Harmony.

      Cheers

      Shakti

  21. As a wise man said: “We may have an eye to know the worth, but it takes a while to understand its value”. Take a typical example of gold. Trade pundits shall tell you its worth. But when you understand that gold atoms are forged only at 10 billion centigrade in the heart of a dying red giant that has gone supernova, a rare celestial event that occurs for 15 seconds in a couple of centuries, that you appreciate its value.
    It is difficult to identify life’s values. Let alone live them. But in trying, we attain nirvana. Or as you call it, harmony.
    Regards,
    Saibal Bose

    • Saibal,

      That indeed is a great perspective and I acknowledge you for bringing it here. And yes, harmony is the journey, never the destination…..
      Thank you for your presence here.

      Shakti

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